I was walking with Cara and my parents when a little boy ran between us. We were too shocked to worry when after a few seconds, an older boy came running after him. That was the first time I saw him, chasing after Morgan. He had sharp cheekbones and long dark hair that covered his forehead. He had an impressive stature; around six-feet tall, very lean with broad shoulders. At the moment, he looked trumped and worried as he hurriedly rushed past us. Later, my sister and I spent a moment to think what that was about. We both concluded that the little boy was probably his brother.
And we were right.
We finished looking around the mall. Our previous agreement with our parents was to meet at the train station just a block away from the mall when we were all done. My sister and I wore our scarves and bundled up our coats as we walked to the station. We were lining up for our tickets when we saw them again. The boy was leaning against the wall, watching his brother animatedly talking to the station’s security guard. I left my sister’s side to talk to him.
Seeing him closer, I realized he was probably a year older than me. I also realized that he was beautiful.
“Is that your brother?” I asked.
He looked at me with gentle surprise. “That kid? Yeah.”
“He doesn’t look like you, at first,” I said, looking at the younger boy. “But now up close, I see the resemblance.” The child had chestnut-colored hair, dimples and round cheeks. What stood out between the two of them was their pale skin. But closer, you could see their almond eyes, their straight noses. And also something about their vulnerability, something that showed a rough life.
“Where do you live?” I ask suddenly.
“Around,” he said. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason. Do you mean a few blocks away?
“We live here,” he answered. “Sometimes, we live out of the station, but for most of the year, we stay in the station.”
“Why? Where are your parents?”
He immediately stood up straight, allowing his intimidating expression to hover above me. He glanced at me with a measured look. “I’m sorry, who are you again?”
“Oh I’m sorry. My name is Rye.”
His clear, dark blue eyes relaxed at my blush.
“What a strange name,” he said, looking less defensive than he did a moment ago. “My name is Tom.”
He held out his hand and I shook it. Under the palm of mine, I felt calluses on his rough hands and slender fingers. His eyes warmed in appreciation.
“Might I ask why your parents named you Rye?” he inquired.
“It’s honestly a weird story,” I tucked my hair behind my ear and allowed a smile. “My sister’s name is Caramel. My mother and father met at a dinner party thrown by a common friend. He overhead her saying that she loved dipping rye bread in caramel, and later that night he struck up a conversation with her because he enjoyed dipping rye bread in caramel too.”
Tom chuckled. “What an extraordinary coincidence.”
“And an usual one at that,” I said. “A year after Caramel was born, they expected me. The doctor predicted I would be a boy, so they planned to call me Ryan, nicknamed Rye. But I popped out as a girl, so I was left with Rye.”
“It suits you,” he said unexpectedly, after a long pause. “It’s a strange name, but also a unique one. Rye bread is richer and stronger in flavor compared to wheat bread, which I am thinking applies to you too. It became a staple food in lands that suffered cold weather, which says the same about your warmth.”
His answer stunned me, and collected an unwarranted rush of blood in my cheeks. How on earth could such an insight about me come from a beautiful man? It was rather funny, for him to be talking about my warmth when he offered a warm, raw vulnerability that clasped on to me despite the cold weather.
“You know an awful lot about rye bread,” I said, after a blush and a grateful smile. “But it’s nice to know what a stranger would figure out about me with just a name.”
“Your honesty about your name garnered it,” he said. “My brother’s name is Morgan. He is eight years old. I’m eighteen years old.” I was right about him being older than me. “Our parents died in another country four years ago and left us with our house, our belongings and money to our name. We were adopted by a distant aunt, but she took away the house and the money. We were on the streets only two months after her care.”
“I’m so sor–” I began.
“It’s alright,” he quipped. “We’ve received a lot of pity and sympathy for our sob story. Morgan has been very strong about it, and we’ve been doing good so far. A street vendor took us in and I’ve been working around here since. I am now Morgan’s legal guardian.”
“What do you do around here?”
“Odd jobs, mostly,” he answered. “Anything they give me. I clean up a lot, and sometimes work with coal.” He rubbed his hands out of habit.
“That sounds far from a sob story,” I said. “There’s nothing in your name that suggests it, but you seem extremely resilient.”
“I’d like to think that,” he allowed. “And now, Miss Rye, may I ask why you came up to me?” he asked amusingly.
I fidgeted with my coat buttons. How could I relay to him that I didn’t know why I came up to him, only that I knew I was thankful I did?
“I don’t know myself,” I slowly said. “I saw you in the mall a few hours ago. You were running after Morgan. I didn’t give it much thought until I saw you again from the ticket booth. There was something so alive about the way you ran after Morgan, something that told me he was yours as much as I am my mother’s. And I was right.”
“And?”
“It intrigued me, I guess. For such a young man to carry that kind of love for a younger brother,” I said. “I’ve met plenty of guys your age, and none of them can hold that much care, nor that kind of responsibility for another life. And that was what shined through you, I think. That’s what called me to talk to you.”
“And what have you found?” he said, his intense eyes boring into mine.
“That I don’t want to leave yet,” I said.
“Neither do I,” he said simply. “Of course, that is not entirely my choice to make.” He smiled politely.
“But you don’t have to go,” I accused, playfully.
“I know, but do you?”
“I should,” I laughed.
“If you choose not to leave, I’d like to escort you to the library,” he said. “After all, this entire hall is my humble abode.”
I found it difficult to catch my breath after his invitation. My grin followed after my embarrassing blush.
“Hold on,” I whispered.
I quickly walked to the station, looking for where my sister had gone. I spotted her sitting on a bench, glancing at her watch.
“Cara!”
“Rye! You scared me!” she said. “Mum and Dad would kill me if they found out I lost sight of you for that long!”
“Relax, I was just over there near the clock,” I said. “I’ll be back, alright? Wait for Mum and Dad here.”
“Where are you going?”
“To the library, with my friend.”
“What friend?” she said, surprised.
“You see that boy in a blue jacket?” I pointed at Tom
“Yes, and he sees us too,” she chuckled. “He is hot.”
“You do realize he might’ve read that on your lips?” I laughed. “Yes, he is. He’s that guy who bumped into us with his brother, remember?”
“Oh of course! It really was his brother, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, we were right,” I answered. “Look, I’m in a hurry. I want to head to the library with Tom before Mum and Dad get back. You’ll tell them I went alone, won’t you?”
“You’re a lucky son of bitch, you know that?” she nudged me playfully. “I’ll cover for you, but find out if he has an older brother!”
“See you later, okay? Don’t go wondering off like your sister,” I laughed and winked. “I love you!”
I ran back to Tom as he held out his arm for me. I took it and he led me to the north of the station. We entered a long corridor.
“Tell your sister she is very kind,” he said, with a sparkle in his eyes.
“I told her you’d see that,” I laughed. “So what’s so special in the library?”
“Nothing different from other libraries, really,” Tom explained. “But it’s my favorite place to sleep in. I could stay up for hours in a corner, reading a thousand books that would have been in our old house. It’s also the place I learned to be resilient, as you say.”
“Sounds like it’s one hell of a place,” I smiled.
At the middle of the corridor, we turned right into a set of luxurious doors. He led me into a cavernous hall, filled with endless shelves of books. Two additional decks with rickety ladders decorated the three walls around us. The ground floor had a maze of dark shelves. The opposite wall was made out of stained glass, allowing the lukewarm sunshine to cast glistening colors in the room.
“This is – It’s amazing,” I stammered. He gently grabbed my hand and led me into the far corner near the window.
“This is where Max and I sleep,” he pointed out. He opened a hidden cabinet from a near shelf that revealed thick comforters and blankets. “We kip out here in this corner to easily wake up at dawn.”
He closed the cabinet and led me to a table. We both sat down.
“Why did you take me here?”
“It felt right,” he simply said. “Isn’t that why you talked to me?”
“Yes,” I said, steeling myself with his honesty. It was amazing how clear and simple he could see through the things around him.
“I’ve been alone for these past years,” he began. “I’ve had Morgan all along, and I love him dearly. More than my own life, I sometimes think. But having to take care of him takes away so much from me, even though he doesn’t ask me to. And with that weight on my shoulder, there isn’t anyone I can talk to. No companion to hold my hand through the years.
“I am not a fan of the heroes in romantic novels, declaring that they have been living alone, thinking they were complete on their own, but finding a hole inside that is finally filled when they meet their soulmate. I am not proud enough to think that. I think I’ve always known there was something out there for me. Someone who would recognize what I’ve been through, as clearly as I see Morgan as someone to love completely. Someone who would immediately recognize the demons in me, my mysterious past and my means for redemption at another life. And then, you came beside me as I was lost in thought, asking about Morgan. As I looked to you, I was taken aback at how beautiful you are. Your sparkling eyes and black hair. I think I have been answered.”
My head was swimming with every word he had just said. Ultimately, everything that had happened felt right, as he said. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew there was something in the way he stood, something in the way he cared for Morgan. I knew he had had a hard life, but despite everything, a meek vulnerability rushed through him, one that asked of me to protect him. And with everything he had confessed, it seems as if he was right. I saw all these things in just one glance. But what he didn’t know was that he drew some kind of confidence within me, something I never had before. I never felt comfortable in my skin, never wore my name with pride, never told an honest story to anyone outside Cara and a few of my closest friends. He recognized something pure and secret within me, as I did with him.
“It’s strange, how much can happen through honesty, vulnerability and a little humor in just under an hour, isn’t it?” I said. “After all you’ve confided in me, I see you as an incredibly strong person. Had I been in your shoes, I would aim for what you have done, but would have no idea how to do it. And in a short time of knowing you, I already hope that you see yourself as I do.
“I also hope you see that I yearn to be an object of whatever percentage of your heart you can give. If you care for any human being ten percent of what you give to Morgan, that person would never live a day without feeling so completely loved and treasured.
“Before you, I never gave a thought to romance. The only love I was aware of was for my sister, my parents and for friends. No day stood out from the rest, and no blush was warranted by any other person but you. No one I knew ever caught my eye, and to my knowledge, I never caught anyone’s eye. In my eyes, I’ve always thought myself as insignificant, like all the other individuals rushing around cities and spaces. In my life, there are people who surely stand out. My father is a strong, righteous man. He always works hard and showers us with love. My sister is the freest person I know. She loves me unconditionally. But aside from that, I could think of the world in no other way, other than a vast space for us humans to run about and die eventually. A morbid way to think of it, but nonetheless true.
“But then you saw me. I might have been the one to approach you, but you saw me for so much more than what I was standing before you. For once, I saw that this all wasn’t just a race to the finish line without any day going by that stands out from the others. With you seeing me, speaking my name, there was suddenly relevance in the start of the day when the sun rises up and at the end of the day when the moon takes over. There was a difference to seconds and minutes passing by. It all had a purpose.”
A glaze of contentment filled his blue eyes. He reached for my hand and held it in both of his.
“It’s definitely more comforting to think that way, isn’t it?” he crooned. “If there was no purpose, what state would we be in? Would we love? Would we cry?”
“If there was one purpose for each of us, then what would it be?” I challenged. “I lived each day of life I’ve been given, but with no primary purpose. That was all there was to do, to simply live day after day. I always wanted to please my parents, to make my sister happy. But no burning desire to live each day for something.”
“I think, in time, we all realize what there is to live for,” he answered. “For me, it arrived earlier than expected. I obviously live for Morgan, my remaining family. But something in me knew I wouldn’t live for him alone. Now that I have found you, I live not only for Morgan, but for myself, and you.”
My eyes glistened at the thought of this. “Why me?”
“Why you? Why me? Why us? Why today? So many questions that can’t be answered in this life. Why did my parents die? Would your father love your mother, had she not spoken of caramel and rye bread? So many paths cross each other, so many directions in which we could choose from merely day-to-day choices. It is all too pure to be thought of as random. I was brought here today to work and to watch after Morgan. You were brought here today with your family. I had no idea what I was looking for until I found you. Could there not be some higher hand in this? Surely the same hand that brought us together could be the same hand that brought your mother to your father, or Morgan to me?”
“It is a notion I have heard of, that everything has a reason,” I admitted. “But I’ve never given it much thought until I found you,” I timidly moved my hand closer to his cheek, to feel the warmth in it. He put his hand over mine and slowly exhaled.
“Why you? Because before you, I would never have known that this was what love would feel. Just like how you phrased it, the sun is warmer and the moon is brighter. And if, by some miracle, you feel for me as I feel for you, then living to be a better man for you is something I can and surely will attain.”
“To hear that word after a thousand times in my life,” I said to the floor. “So many times, to speak of a feeling of kinship, care and loyalty. To hear love as a feeling, when in fact, it isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. But now, as I sit here with my hands touching something so real, so close to my heart, I am wondering if it is a choice at all. For I don’t recall deciding on whether to give you my heart. I just know that it was given to you the moment I knew you.”
We stared at each other with contentment in our eyes. He slowly leaned in to kiss my head.
“With so many words exchanged, is it too late to say the words?” he asked playfully.
“No, Tom,” I smiled.
“I love you, Rye.”
“I am yours from now on.”
We stayed there at the south corner of the room, for a fraction of a moment or for many hours, we would never know.
But suddenly, we both jumped as the massive doors creaked and a couple of footsteps sounded.
“This is the library, folks,” said a voice, most likely the security guard. “You can have a look around.”
“Rye?” I heard my mum call out.
“I’d bet anything that’s my mum calling for me,” I whispered to Tom. “Is there any back door?”
“Yes, at the far north corner, there’s a small door leading back to the corridor we took,” he quietly stood up and took my hand. “Come on.”
We quietly tiptoed around where my parents were. I saw Cara’s light brown hair from the edge of a shelf as we skittered past the shelves to conceal us. He silently led me around and around, circling around my family. We shook with silent laughter at the moments we almost got caught, hugging and covering each others mouths when the huffing got too loud. He finally led me out to the corner door. We sprinted for the impressive doors we entered in.
I was slightly panting and laughing as he leaned against me, flattening me against the wall.
“When will I see you again?” his hungry eyes searched mine.
“Soon,” I promised.
He kissed me for the first time. His lips were so soft as he pressed them against mine. Our cold noses touched, and for the first time that day, I felt complete with him against me.
“Soon,” he acquiesced.
He went in for another kiss and I chuckled against his lips
”Go!” I chuckled, still kissing him back.
“I don’t even know your last name!” he called, kissing both my cheeks.
“But just as you said, we will cross paths once again, whether we want to or not,” I whispered. “And trust me, I’ll want to find you again.”
“You better,” he said.
“I will,” I kissed him. “I love you, Tom.”
He kissed me deeply again. “I’ll see you soon.” He ran back to the station.
“Think of me when the moon shines brighter tonight,” he quietly called as he rounded the last corner, his blue eyes twinkling and his lips and cheeks pink.
I will, I thought.
I smoothed my hair and fixed my clip before I opened the door.
“Mum! Dad!” I called.
They came rushing from behind a nearby shelf, both looking relieved. Cara gave me a knowing wink.
“Rye! You gave us quite a shock!”
“Me? I’ve been looking everywhere! I went by the library a bit and when I come back, Cara is gone and you two are out of sight!”
“It’s okay now, darling, we can go home now,” my mum hugged me. “You are so flushed, were you worried?”
As to how far from worried I was moments ago, I would never tell her. “Yeah, a bit.” How amusing it was to have my expression pass as a reaction of anxiety when it was a result of something absolutely shuddering.
We headed out to catch our train back to town.
As we our train arrived, I stepped in and turned around to catch a last glimpse of the beautiful station.
I caught sight of a little boy in a brown coat, laughing and talking animatedly to someone I couldn’t see. Then a young man in a blue jacket came into view, picking up little Morgan and tickling him in the air.
As if an electric knowing came through him, he looked at me exactly as the train door shut. He put out his hand in farewell, and though we were yards apart, I could see the look in his eyes; serene, full of love and content. Just as I imagined my eyes would look, too.
“Soon, Tom,” I mouthed. He smiled and waved as the train left.
Soon.
afloatingmind 